Facing my fears on this vacation or in life really put me to the test. I have been meditating and doing other self care practices for a long time. The cumulative effects of these practices really show up when life throws you a curve. Self Care built resiliency and a true appreciation of the nuanced lessons in this life.
We all have many examples, small and large when in the moment; you question what the heck is going on? Do the tough times have meaning? I have learned valuable lessons through facing my fears in the cold hard realities of life’s challenges or engaging them on the vacation.
Dream Vacation
I was on the trip of my lifetime. My husband and I were traveling across country. I had filled our itinerary with things we loved to do. Our first stop was Niagara Falls. Wow! We went on the Maid of the Mist and were washed clean. First Fear, the wet trail along the falls in the flip flops they give you. No falls and a great view.
From New York we went on to the National Underground Freedom Center in Ohio. We headed west going off the interstate into little towns to meet and eat local.
In St Louis Missouri, we walked over to The Gateway Arch and headed up. I got in this tiny elevator for a claustrophobia nightmare trip to the top of the arch. A few years before, I just would have bagged it and not gone up because of fear. Tight spaces have freaked me out since I was a kid. The elevator was this crazy looking 6 person washing machine tub that went up then over to traverse the curve of the arch.
After the Arch we headed over to Meramec Caves in Stanton, MO. After my success in the big tub, I decided to go for it, face my fear and head down into the cave. I was mesmerized by the beauty of expression in the geology. In both of these places, the views were so worth the trip.
Bumps in the Road
On the highway in Oklahoma the car hit a big pot hole and had a tire blow out. Nobody hurt! We spent the day getting a new tire. No big deal and on the road again. Next main stop was in Roswell New Mexico to check in the aliens.
Driving through New Mexico later that evening, I suddenly lost the visual field in my left eye. All I could see was grey liquid. We were far from any metropolitan area. I called my doctor. My husband hit hospitals on the GPS and we sped off to find the nearest hospital.
Trip Over Adventure begins
At a small country hospital in New Mexico a lovely nurse did a vision screen. Couldn’t see her never mind the vision chart out of my left eye. The first doctor examined me and said with surprise he could not see the back of my eye.
They called in a specialist. I waited in the noise and stress of an emergency room chanting quietly. After an examination the specialist said, I had a detached retina, the grey in my visual field was blood. I needed an operation to repair it as soon as possible.
We drove through the night to make it there by next morning. Headed north to a large metropolitan hospital in Tucson Arizona. I spent the long drive as a passenger looking inward thinking of a ruined vacation and loss of vision in my left eye.
After an examination, I learned I could get an operation and plan to stay in Arizona for a few months or get right on a plane to Boston and have an operation immediately, so I could recover at home.
My husband dropped me at the Tucson airport and drove our car back across country. I flew back to Boston with very little vision and huge help from the airlines. I had to let go of my ego and accept support from strangers and family. My parents picked me up at the airport and drove me to my operation.
Again I was surprisingly calm during my eye operation. I was awake with my eye clamped open. In your face has new meaning for me now. (Serious Fear Facing!)
Post operation recovery required me to hold my head still at a specific angle for 3 months 23 hours each day. The doctor drew lines on my face to help me hold the right angle. It took all my strength and will to hold still, no TV or reading.
I couldn’t do anything where I had to move my eyes. I meditated for several hours a day every day in order to hold my head steady through the disorientation and pain. I slept sitting up with a special neck brace.
Facing my Fears the real adventure
At the time this was all going on, I was really confused about how this could have happened when I was happy, meditating, walking and doing yoga every day on the road. I was in a really healthy space for me and I couldn’t believe my retina detached under such circumstances. I was upset that my dream trip was abruptly ended way before the halfway mark.
My practices helped me stay calm and in the moment and act in a way to support my best result, through my surgery and recovery. Things happen in life that can be disconnected or out of time with your attitudes and actions in any moment. I was plunked into a situation that required me to face fears one after another. With perspective I can see how much strength and learning was realized through the challenges I encountered on my dream trip. I understand facing my fears spurs my growth. Now I remember all the wonderful things we did on the trip, not the things we missed. I may yet finish my loop across the country.